epiphany

Time Out - EPIPHANY


Tonight I just learned the lesson of all lessons. I had been out on a date with Martin, the man I had been seeing for the past few months. He was charming, wildly successful, and insanely smart. Not only did he work on Wall Street, he was a part-time professor of Economics at NYU. We had just finished dinner at a restaurant inside Grand Central Terminal. He wanted to grab a nightcap, but I lied and said that I was meeting friends—because, honestly, there weren’t enough martinis in the world to get me through another 30 minutes with him. As we walked out of Grand Central, he reached in his pocket and handed me cab fare. I smiled, gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and waved goodbye as his cab pulled away. Within seconds, another car pulled up. But just as I was about to get in, I realized that maybe I needed the 45 minutes that a subway ride would provide to just think. So there I was: four-inch platforms, skinny jeans and the New York subway – a match made in heaven.

        As I am struggling to keep my stride straight while walking through the station, I spot the only empty seat on the platform. I have no choice but to take it, as my feet are on fire. I plop down and compose myself, but I can’t help noticing that I’m surrounded by big, muscular men in khaki work clothes, dirty Timberland boots, and stained pants. Upon closer inspections, I see that their hands are filthy, their nails are dirty and let’s just say, there is the faint scent of hard work emanating from their crew.

        Although the banter that I’m having with myself in my head is an interesting one, I turn down the volume and start to listen to their conversion. They are talking about their houses, cars, wives, kids, and plans for the weekend. I’m becoming intrigued. I begin to take a closer look at them and see that they all have pretty smiles and great teeth. They were actually handsome guys. Looking at them validated the age-old saying, “You can’t judge a book by its cover.” And then it hit me. That’s exactly what I’ve been doing: JUDGING. Not dating this guy because he didn’t have the perfect job, or this guy because he didn’t live at the right address. In that moment, I realized that it was time to let go. Loosen up the helms on my checklist. Ditch my over-the-top requirements. There were probably tons of guys that I had noticed looking at me who I never gave a second thought to because they weren’t wearing Gucci loafers or a Hermes belt. I was on the hunt for Mr. Right, but I myself was actually Ms. Wrong. I was searching for someone who could give me superficial happiness instead of the real thing.

        At the core of this epiphany was the fling I was having with Martin, which I knew really wasn’t going to amount to anything in the long run. Yes, he did look good in a suit. Yes, he was successful. But no, he would not ultimately make me happy. I was kidding myself and I knew it.

        The train arrived, and as the rail worker got up to board, I followed behind him. In that moment I realized it: I would much rather wash dirt from the hands of a man I love than be touched by the hands of a man I don’t.

Guess it time to whip out the Pine-Sol as this
girl has to do some spring cleaning…

14 Comments

  1. So true. you can all fool yourself into believing you are happy for only so long and then the truth comes out.

  2. This sounds like me but my story is ten times worse.I was soo delusional that I actually married a guy thinking that I would eventfully fall in love with him..

  3. you cant lie to yourself. PERIOD

  4. YOU CAN’T FAKE LOVE.. WELL YOU CAN , BUT ONLY FOR SOO LONG.hahaha THEN IT SUCKS

  5. What a well-written piece. But it troubled my heart. Years ago, I met a guy. He wasn’t the best looking guy in the world, nor the most handsome, but we got on well. We barely slept together and he was into me but me…..he would be romantic and I’d push him away. He was patient though. Anyway, he made sure I got what I needed. I was in fashion and he helped me launch a small line of clothes. He helped me out when times were bad. He taught me how to market myself. I know things took a bit of a toll on him as he did outside consulting work to make extra cash.

    Then one day we’re at dinner. He looked at me and he said “I love you but I don’t think you love me.” I stammered and said “well not yet but….” and just like that, he paid the bill. He kissed me on the cheek and said “I want you to be happy.” and he left. When I got home I started crying. He was indeed precious to me.

    I reached out to him but he never responded. I tried to search him out on Facebook but to no avail. I did see something written about him on the web and found out he got married.

    The problem here is twofold. If you don’t love him, be honest and tell him. If you love him and see a future, tell him. If you have a bond, cherish him and it.

    I was just too selfish and too into myself to realize how much he loved me and the gifts both physical and spiritual, he had given me. I am what I am in part to him. He was and always will be in my heart. To this day, I regret not having him in my life.

  6. I have always followed my heart and have truly been in love with men for who they are and in some cases that has not been enough, but even-so I have no regrets about any of my relationships! Essentially almost every guy a woman falls in love with is not the guy for her until she finds the one she loves,and who loves her and they stay together for the rest of their lives. I still think you can hold on to the financial and fashion standards you want in a guy but just make sure you ask yourself ” does he make me happy and would I still be with him if he was not rich and tacky?”

  7. Trueheart:

    Do you have a guy in your life? What if he loves you and demonstrates it day after day? When and how do you fall in love? Does it happen over time? Does he have heart and passion? Do you know he gives you his heart? You know about fashion sense, guys do change, and it will be evident to you.

  8. Wow..you both make some good points..the bottom line is don’tie to yourself.

  9. Jenny..you have to believe that maybe everything worked for the best even though you were hurt in the end.

  10. I think a lot of women loose out on a “good guy” because they are looking at the wrong quality

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  11. Dana:

    I was hurt in the end because I didn’t examine the big picture. A lot of people have no clue what they want and where they are going. He was a good man down to the core. I was too into myself to really know that being with someone is the whole package, not just parts that we want.

    In retrospect, he made me who I am and I am grateful for that. Looking back, I wish I was more open to him than being so into myself. The most important thing is he gave me a gift – his heart – and in the end, that’s more valuable than gold, diamonds, or anything else you want in life.

  12. Author:

    So why don’t you weigh in on this? Do you have a special guy in your life? If so, is a gucci or does he make you skip the guccis? We want to know!

  13. Victor S. Posted on Super awesome and inripsing! Your green practices are going to serve as an excellent model as we plan our series production this spring. I’m looking forward to banding together with other green filmmakers to spread the good word: successful film production can be successfully sustainable. Kudos!

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