I’m Sad

Time Out - Im Sad


Tonight, I’m sad. I want to cry but have no tears, only regrets. I regret that it has taken me this long to find myself. I regret that I kept friendships that I should have ended and started down paths that I knew were doomed. I’m troubled. Troubled by my stupid decisions and lack of judgment. Tonight I am not in a happy place. Truthfully, I haven’t been all week. I called in sick this morning and haven’t left the house all day. My only interaction with the outside world has been with the delivery guy and when I saw him I was willing to take a hug if he had offered one. Tonight, I have nothing but my thoughts and, for once, I am tired of hearing my voice.

        I need a crutch to hold me up. A pat on the back or a kiss on the cheek. I feel lifeless because I am wading through life. It is passing me by and I know it. The clock is ticking and I can hear it loud and clear. My life is dull right now. The only colors I see are the flowers in my living room and like everything right now in my life, when they die, I will have to replace them. That’s all I have been doing as of late—replacing men, friends, hopes, and dreams. When this guy doesn’t work out, I get a new one. When one of my hobbies doesn’t pay off, I think of a new one. Frankly, all of the uncertain movement was making me seasick. I felt like I needed consistency.

        For the girl who dreamed of seeing her name in Page Six of the New York Post I have failed. I never truly pursued my career goals and have never really met that one guy who was supposed to change my life. Instead I was in a constant state of “sorta”. Sorta happy, sorta successful, and sorta skinny. No matter how many times I tried to convince myself I was doing okay, it didn’t change what I was feeling in my heart. It’s like when you see a picture of yourself and look at it and say, “I look fat in this picture”. The truth is, you don’t look fat, you are fat.

        Tonight, the truth is, I don’t feel unhappy—I am unhappy.

20 Comments

  1. First of all are you on your period? Secondly I have never heard you say failed! You only fail if you die trying, (but at least you kept trying). Thirdly it sounds like you may have a milestone birthday coming up and you have evaluated what you haven’t accomplished in life when you should be evaluating what you have accomplished. You may be be right on the edge of a new fantastic life and don’t even know it! Sit down and compare your life to the lives of others that have not have been as fortunate as you. I know it sounds bad but when I get in a rut I think about how it could be worse and the people I know personally that have it worse and say to myself “at least i’m not as fucked up as so and so”. Then get a bottle of your choice or some chronic if you partake in that kind of thing? get lifted and go to bed. In the morning Pray, Thank God for waking you up and get over your fucking self dammit!

  2. I used to hate it when the BF said to me, “You seem really cranky/depressed/irritable/sensitive/crabby/sad tonight. Are you having your period?” But, he was right. (Damn him!) Those hormones can kick us gals into strange places. So, like Trueheart, my first thought was: Are you having your period, because this doesn’t sound like the bubbly G that I know. This isn’t to say that the deep feelings of sadness and disappointment aren’t real or heartfelt. If it is hormonal, you know it will pass. I say: on days like these, indulge in the sad bad feelings and feel them deeply as you can. Don’t get out of bed, don’t bathe, dress, or do anything to try to perk yourself up. Really get into it. I know that you are an incredibly optimistic, positive-thinking, make-it-happen person. I know you’ll bounce back and get out there and tackle the world. In the meantime, give yourself a day to feel the pain and regret. I think I speak for all of your readers when I say that you are a terrific person, a successful person. We give you pats on the back and kisses on the cheek. We think you are GREAT!

  3. You just need to sit in those feelings until you own them and let them go. You know as well as I do that after every bad day and low moment there’s a high coming right around the corner. Best to learn not to let those bad days take you down so easily. Just tell yourself that it will pass and it will. Until it passes find simple chores to put your focus on and just be in the moment, just you and that dirty dish and go through the motions while you sit with the feelings in your head. It’s ok because they will go away and you know that. Life has not passed you by…your life is more interesting that 99% of the other people on this planet and because of that you’re going to have dull moments sometimes. So what. Most people’s lives are dull all of the time. So again, just get through it and learn not to let these feelings spiral your mood because they definitely don’t have the power to do that to you unless you let them. You can sit with those feelings until they pass, that is the thing to do, but don’t let them change your disposition. That’s when things get worse and you beat yourself up for nothing. You are GREAT gf and you will get through it. I tell myself there is no such thing as a bad day. There are only days. And at any point you have the power to change how you feel and what you do with the rest of your day. The perception is all in our heads so the change is up to us. Hugs and love :) (I tell you these things because I’ve been through the same thing–I think we all go through this G)

  4. Regret is nothing more than us not understanding what we have been thru. We should never regret anything, rather we should learn to understand what we are going thru. It is very hard to be a strong independant woman however we should never regret any circumstances that we have been thru. Truthfully, I understand sorry and dispair however I know that I will never regret a day of my life. I am stronger because of my spirit, friends and family and if I ever regretted anything, it was that I didnt live my life like it was my last day everyday! I have loved all of our experiences (both sad, mad and funny) and I look forward to all of the times that we will have in the future! We will never look back and use the R word, we will only look forward and talk about what we learned from that day.

  5. so you are having a bad day. we all have been there. pick yourself and dont give up on your dreams. if we didnt doubt ourselves from time to time then we wouldn’t be human. we have all these days and today you sound like you are really sad. it is just temporary and i think you know that.

  6. Go get a drink.. your tripping out!!!

  7. We all get like this. Hang in There

  8. Keep Hope Alive!

  9. Don’t Jump! You will mess up your hair. lol

  10. I hate to say this but I’m almost glad, correction I am glad to know that sometimes you doubt yourself like we all do

  11. I’ve been down this road before to. We all have days like this. You are not alone.

  12. Girl pick yourself up. You know you are stronger than that.

  13. Im sad today too, but on my way to the bar to get un-SAD. (smile)

  14. I can relate girl! Things get better.. so we hope anyway.

  15. My first thought was also that you must have your period, but not the monthly cycle period. It’s the period when your not feeling so good or happy about your choices or your decisions. Mine was today. It’s an irregular cycle and it catches us off guard most of the time. It makes you feel the opposite of bloated which is empty. It is normal and sometimes needed so we can evaluate ourselves and refocus. All the disappointment, frustration and tension has to get filtered out of our bodies and mind some way. It’s harmful to keep those toxins in, so think them and cry them out. The next hour or day when that cycle is complete, go back to being Super Woman. You Rock!

  16. Been there honey. keep your chin up.

  17. Snap Snap.. You are 2 SMART and PRETTY.enough already

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  19. We all have days like this. Hang in there.

  20. We all have theses days. TRUST ME

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