life

Time Out - life


It’s only 1:00pm on a beautiful Saturday and I have already had 4 phone calls. The first at 5:45 this morning from a guy who is saved in my phone under “DO NOT ANSWER”, a new guy who I went out with last night who I haven’t even had a chance to nickname, and 2 outgoing calls; first to Mark, my old faithful, and David my lover as Its been way too long and I need to see him ASAP.
I’m at a restaurant on the Upper Westside and everybody is either with their boyfriend or husband, visibly pregnant, pushing their new born in a stroller, or chasing their frickin toddler down the street

        NEWS FLASH!!!
                A single girl in NYC can come to the Upper Westside and be reminded of the fact that she does have a baby or go to the Upper Eastside and be reminded that she doesn’t have a Birkin Bag.

        Some days Life Fucking sucks. I mean is this where my life is headed right now? I’m not married, no kids, but I’m happy. I love myself and I love life. It’s strange though because I know I want more than my Loubitons. Hell I can’t even count on them because as soon as I loose a couple of pounds they are to fricken big. It’s like the old commercial with the old lady who screams “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”. Today that is how I feel.

        I have always been romantically optimistic and very independent and know that my perfect guy is out there but even the preacher prays for worshipers. That is to say that we all reach some part in our lives when we begin to doubt ourselves. Doubt the decisions that we made and I was beginning to believe that I had made some wrong decisions.

        I’ve talked Madelyn off the ledge today and pumped Nicole’s ego into oblivion, but who was there to tell Gillian to just hang in there and that she would one day make it. Who was there to tell her that life was just one big test and as long as she didn’t give up then ultimately she wouldn’t fail. NOBODY… And that has always been my story. No doubt, I am my own biggest fan. After all, if you can’t cheer for yourself then who will cheer for you? But even the cheerleader longs to be able to go home with the quarterback so where the hell was my Mark Sanchez, or Donovan MKcnabb, or hell even Joe Montana?

        Financially I was a wreck. I had broken Suze Orman’s golden rule and was using my 401K like a pot of gold.

        Spiritually I was ok, but always had a hangover on Sunday mornings so I could never fully commit to attending church services regularly.

        Physically I looked great although I was continuously on a diet to point that I wasn’t even disciplined enough to follow my own Mantras that states:

“You can either eat like a pig or drink like a fish but you can’t do both”

        Sexually I was at an all time high!!! I knew how to satisfy myself and knew without a doubt that I was a great lover.

But…

        Romantically I was suffering. There wasn’t one single person that I was longing for. There wasn’t one single guy that made my heart stop. No one person whose voice I felt like I needed to hear everyday.

        I was suffering. Suffering in silence. I had never confessed to anybody how romantically lonely I felt. I missed having a steady guy in my life. Not one that I had to take a plane to go and visit ant try to get 30 days of doing couples stuff into 5 , but one that lived in the same city as me and who could see everyday. One that would come over to my apt if I called and told him I saw a mouse or something as simple as me saying that I was afraid of thunder. Really I just wanted someone to tell me that they loved me. I missed hearing those three words, I really missed it. It had been soo long since I truly had heard those words from the lips of some one I adored. I just wanted to be loved. I wanted to know just by your touch that you missed me…

        O lord… Tears are in my eyes – it must be time to order another drink…

8 Comments

  1. sometimes life does feel like it sucks but you have to put your best foot forward and keep it moving.

  2. dam – this is how i have been feeling all month.

  3. life is a trip but just be thankful you are alive.

  4. We all feel down some days but we just have to learn how to pull through.

  5. Even though is suks feeling this way it’s comforting knowing I am NOT alone…..

  6. This one post summed up my whole year..I too feel like I’m there to help all of my friends but no one is there for me

  7. Glad to know that other women are going thru the same thing..we all are really looking for happiness in some form.

  8. For some reason after I finished reading this post I noticed that the song playing on the radio right now is ‘Don’t stop believing’. Corny yes, but let’s do that together. Life is funny with its ups and downs…when I have a bad day I just remind myself that tomorrow will likely be awesome so I all have to do is put my anxiety down and be patient. To be honest I feel a lot like you do right now but I refuse to believe it won’t work out.

    And take comfort in the other things in life…it’s easy for us to get caught up in feeling alone but life has soooo much more to offer than that. You’ll get what you want girlfriend, just stay strong and positive and you’ll do great –I’m sure of it!!! :)

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